Today was heavy for me. I had finally been feeling more like myself this past week, so it just hit me hard that I had to go back for my 4th treatment of Folfiri and Opdivo today.

I started feeling overwhelmed and nauseated on our drive there as my body began remembering the sanitary smell of the building and chemical smell and taste of the drugs. It’s a weird thing to explain, but my entire body can taste and smell the medicines as they are injected into my veins through my port. As they run through me I feel like I'm loosing who I am. I have been dreading today so much. With the new school year just starting back up I took a trip down memory lane to the days of taking my son to preschool when he didn’t want to get out of the car at drop off. His teachers would lovingly pulling him out of the car horizontally by his legs while he clung for dear life to any handle he could grab of our car. I wanted to behave he same way today as my husband and I pulled into the parking lot, but embarrassment kept me restrained and I walked myself in like a big girl.

You then sit in the waiting room wondering how much pain each person is in while trying to process your own pain. My liver enzymes have been coming down and returning to normal which is a great sign for someone being treated for liver mets. However, today my liver enzymes increased. I cried. I was overwhelmed with the building, the blood results and the chemical tastes and smells. My doctor informed me that my labs looked great and that treatment can still be working. It's normal for liver enzymes to increase as your liver is being overworked processing all the drugs going through your system. However, those liver numbers were so important to me because they were a sign of hope for me that my treatment is working. So, today I will feel heavy because that security was taken from me. But, tomorrow I will choose to put one foot in front of the other and find my happy. I will cling to God like a child clinging to a car door praying for Him to protect me, hold me and calm the storm inside of me that only He can do!!